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Today, it landed on me that I am close to leaving. When I am halfway through the trip, it generally feels like I have been here for so long and that time will keep on stretching. And suddenly, only a few days later, I am saying my goodbyes. A goodbye that is full of hope and, I must admit, pressure.
More Distant than Distance
One would think it would be easier to stay connected in today’s day and age. That distance would be less of a problem and less felt than when I had to depart 20 or 10 years ago. However, I am not great at keeping in touch. I drown in work and doing, and often get tunnel vision in the small number of people I talk to on the ground. We have a full running team here in Mozambique, so, arguably, there is no need for me to stay in touch with field officers, teachers or the like, making this the unique annual opportunity to actually connect.
It’s called delegating, they say.
Every time I come back, I promise myself that I will be better at keeping in touch. I will send more messages and call more. Deep down, I know that is unlikely to happen. Being able to keep in touch with my friends takes real effort from my part. Not because I don’t miss them, but rather because something else always seems to get in the way. And whilst I have improved considerably in the last year or so, I am still far from where I wish I was. And as much as I wished, I know I will scarcely speak to each of them in months to come. It is, in a way, a real goodbye. At least for now.
Goodbye Brings Reality
Whilst I gain distance from the ground, I also gain all the benefits that come with being here. The connection with everything that is working well and the change that we are making every day. Quickly, the smiles fade into grant proposals and Excel spreadsheets.
With goodbye comes another era, another year of work to keep the projects going and make them better, as well as bring to fruition new ideas. With goodbye comes the distance of the singing and dancing, comes the realisation of handing out 700 bananas at mealtime as their fruit of the week, comes the image of the kids delighted with their food while they stand without a place to eat. I tell them they are never forgotten; they are always present in my heart and soul.
Reality creates a barrier – both for the good and the bad.
One that shields me from the rays of sunshine of entering the joy of a pre-school or the noise of children at mealtimes. And one that shields me from the less good realities that we have not yet been able to change.
Extra-Luggage Needed
As I say my first goodbyes, I am assaulted by the size of the task ahead. No matter how well we do, it seems like we always want to do more. It is part a result of good work, part a result of the enormity of issues we find here. This year, I think I have built my biggest list ever of new things we want to do or changes we need to make (and that invariably require more funding). When I am here, it is not only logical that all these things need doing, but it is also easy to hope that anyone willing would want to fund any of these projects.
As I depart, I avoid promises. I noted all our dreams down, and I studied all the options. No matter how many times people will tell me that what we are doing is already amazing, I can’t help but fear coming back with the same list yet again next year. I struggle to explain the challenges with fundraising. Sitting here, it all seems too obvious to fund. It all really needs to be done. And as I depart, I fear failing them. Failing my own dreams
As I depart, my luggage is heavier than when I came here. It is filled with gifts of gratitude, but also with dreams of doing more. They have been handed to me over the last 7 days and now lie in my notebook and in my hands to be able to make them a reality. I am carrying goodbyes, distance and early nostalgia. But I am also carrying dreams and the power to change lives.