Posted by It seems like I am the mother of an athlete now, and the competitive kind one! Last Sunday, we found ourselves across the river at 8:15 as Little Girl C had her last competition of the season and a chance to qualify for the nationals. She did not make it by 0.1. Where to go from there?
Brace for impact
When there was only one apparatus to go, we knew the chances were tough. The screen marked 33 points and she needed to make 11 on the beam. Possible. She’d had it before, but she was also shooting at 3 grades higher. I am not great at knowing what the points system is just yet, so it is hard for me to guess just by watching her. And it did not look amazing… The screen said 10.9, not enough. My heart sank as I blew her kisses to her disappointed face. I knew we were heading for impact, even if it would take a few hours to come out. She really wanted to make the nationals, and it was a one shot thing.
‘OMG, she will be really annoyed!’ – Baby S
Someone to blame
Around her, some of the friends were quick to reassure her that the judge of the asymmetric bars was just too tough. They claimed she had taken points from everyone and even the coaches had shown surprise with the scores. What a treat, someone to blame! She went on about the judge and how well she had done in that exercise with such a low score. I thought she did well, but then again I am no expert and even worse – I am the mother. I’ve got special goggles of bias! I gently reminded her she had lost points in some exercises and we could talk about it when she felt ready, but there was no point arguing the judge. She was not ready for that view. At that point, it was still easier to blame someone else.
Stages of failure
I had a feeling failure would have similarities to grief in how each person reacts to it and evolves to recovery. So I did some research, and indeed I did find some articles about the 6 stages of failure.
In the artistic gymnastics example from last weekend, not all came to life, but it’s still good to remember them, for our next moment of (small or big) failure, which is likely to be just around the corner.
Denial
This is a stage that is common with start-ups that pivot a few times too many or marriages that last a few years too long, Denial is the expected first step, typically just before failure comes to life. Now, the interesting thing in competitive sports, with tennis being great example, is that denial is key to survival. You have to believe you’re not failing until the end, or else you are doomed. However, don’t confuse denial with lack of awareness. The players that turn games around know something is not working and they need to change something, but they believe they can and they deny failure until it’s over.
Doubling down
This is a typical business case one and one that we discussed at length in business school when talking about the theory of disruptive innovation. Incumbents not only deny that a small start-up with a low-end product can take their clients, but often they increase efforts on their poor core business, avoiding dealing with the threat of a new competitor and ultimately failing.
Shame
According to Brené Brown, shame is ‘the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging’.
When Little Girl C finally agreed to leave, after watching all the girls that practice double the hours perform and win most medals, she left with her head low somewhat hiding from saying goodbye to her friends and coaches. That is when the first round of ‘what ifs’ started.
What if I started too late?
What if I never get to practice more hours?
What if I can never get a medal?
What if I am not good enough?
Defensiveness
Nobody likes to feel shame, so the quickest way out is to explain it was not really our fault. It coincides with either a blaming-others-approach or a there-is-nothing-I-can-do view. Either way, we get stuck. If there is nothing we can do, where do we go?
Tough kindness
Before I go to the next 2 stages of failure, I will stop to give a transition of how the stages unfolded for us and how both me and Hubby B had to make an unprepared choice of how we were going to react. Luckily, we were aligned and luckily for her (or so so I’d like to think) we stood with her but did not engage in any ‘effort is what matters speech’. Don’t worry, we told her she did well, and that we knew she was sad she did not qualify. But first and foremost we cleared up the air and cut the conversation on blaming the judge.
“Yes, you did really well on that exercise, yes you got a tough score but you just did not add enough points. You tried really hard and amazing considering you started competing 8 months ago but it just was not enough. “
Silence
She’s only 11 I tell myself. But somehow I can see in her how this episode can define her. And we choose to tell her just that. That even though she did really well and improved her overall score, she did not have enough to go to the nationals and that was a failure for her and for what she wanted. That we knew she was disappointed even if we were proud of her performance. But after that day it was up to her to decide what she did with this failure, not up to us. Decide she would never make it or keep going.
Moving on – Stage 5
Through the day, the conversation came back multiple times and so did the tantrums and the doubts. You could see doubt creeping in. It would go like this:
- I just started too late!
- You started later than some, but you have also shown that you can run faster.
- I will never catch up doing less hours!
- You already caught up a lot and got bumped up twice. The merit is yours but if you want it you need to keep running faster.
- But the nationals are only a year away!
Truth be said, this was the hardest one to respond, as I do not know how to motivate for the long-term at this age. A year does seem like a long time. I guess I babbled something like “there are more championships along the way “.
it was a long day and we did not know where the tide would go. We were hoping this would build more resilience more grit – after all, that is a key reason for us to support competitive sports in the kids. OK, perhaps we did not count on her wanting to go to the Olympics but hey, you plant the seeds, you water the vase but you don’t know how it goes.
I don’t know if there were moments where she wondered if she would go on – I did not ask, as I did not want to open the possibility too much. But I did tell her she could choose to do this for fun or for competing.
At 7:30 am on Monday, she hugged me and told me
“I will make the nationals next year!’
I grinned. SheI was ready to move on
Looking for the Assets – Stage 6
I don’t know if these stages are a real scientifically tested thing, but they are still making sense so I will keep going. This is the learning stage, when you can look at what you have and have done and, importantly, what you do not have and could have done differently.
That Monday afternoon, the class was cancelled for a rest day. She was not ready for a rest day so we got back on the beam (well, her on the beam and me on the bean bag). As I asked her to repeat a few exercises, she started getting angry realising her hit ratio was not so high. At points I had to stop counting and feared she would get too mad, you could see a dangerous frustration kicking in. I did a few videos on the phone and told her I would publish them when she’d get her medal at the Olympics so I could show everyone that it all starts with failure. I played Matthew Syed book You Are Awesome for a bit and we kept going for two hours.
At some point, she asked to see her video of the competition on the beam. That’s when she took stock. She knew all the places she had gone wrong. Shame knocked on the door… I snapped her out “now you know where you can work on “.
Moment of pause.
She went back on the beam.
In her vision board she did earlier this year, she picked a quote card that reads:
“Failure is the mother of success’
Both her, a perfectionist like her Mum, and myself need to be reminded of this. Dad’s stubbornness helps her keep going through the imperfection..
Failure is the mother of success – but only you are willing.