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Last week, I was invited to take part in a panel about work-life balance. My first response when they invited me was simple: “I don’t believe in work-life balance, I’m not sure I’m your speaker”. I guess that made them all the more interested, so there I was, ready to celebrate International Women’s Day again, on a topic that I never get to be convinced about. What do I believe in then?
Why not balance?
Well, there are a number of reasons work-life balance does not work for me. It feels quite limiting:
- It makes me think of 2 sides only that co-exist in tension
- It reminds me of a state of static equilibrium
- It requires carefully laid out “stones” to balance the scale
This hardly works for me. As I embrace the multifaceted job description of my portfolio life, I see at least 7 sides, and I easily get to 10. And they are not “sides”. They are circles, intertwined. And, as I gain clarity on my next steps, they reinforce one another. There is no way you can fit all these circles on a single two-dimensional scale.
I prefer flow
Flow works for me because it is dynamic. Unlike work-life balance, it moves and adapts. It is a bit like a river – it ebbs and flows. It is thin and narrow at times, feeling almost dry and with few alternatives. It is also abundant and full of life in others. It is not perfect. It is not meant to be. It is not balanced.
Water and flow relieve pressure on any side. Flow allows me to navigate between the different areas at ease. To walk by the river, to run by the shore, to get on a boat and speed up. I like the concept of flow because it reflects the multitude of what my life holds at the moment, and what I hope it continues to hold in the future.
As a river, it is there today and tomorrow, if we don’t run it dry and also don’t let it overflow.
Do we have it all?
Another topic often discussed at these “women” focused events is the concept of having it all. A few days ago, I reposted a meme on Instagram, which I don’t do often:
“It’s not possible to work like you’re not a parent and parent like you don’t work. Give yourself grace.”
Unknown
It had been a while since I had received so many reactions on a single story. From people that I did not even know saw my stories. Each of them came with a heartfelt agreement. Almost like a release, a permission to think like this. Over the years, I have felt that bringing “myths” like this to the spotlight has a key benefit that we rarely talk about. It eases the shame.
Normalising the imperfection
When I first started the blog, I knew I wanted it to be authentic. I knew I wanted to make sure people knew I was a real person. And that behind the visible super-woman achievements, I had struggles.
I wanted people to know they were not alone when they felt like they could not do it all, or at least not all perfectly. When they forgot a doctor’s appointment, when they were late for a meeting at work, or when they showed up to a birthday party on the wrong date. I wanted people to know that I had that too, not because I wanted any pity, but because I wanted us all to be kinder to ourselves.
It is hard to have a talk like this without talking about perfectionism. But this time, something was different. The moderator reminded us all of the origin of the word perfectionism.
“The word “perfect” originates from the Latin perfectus, the past participle of perficere, meaning “to finish, accomplish, or complete”. It combines per- (“completely”) with facere (“to do, make”). Originally, it signified something thoroughly finished or brought to completion rather than just being flawless”
Gemini, sourced from Wiktionary
I must admit, I had heard it before, but I think I had wiped it clear from my mind. Or maybe society did. But from now on, I want to remember.
A Recovering Perfectionist
I had a long journey dealing with my perfectionism, and today I call myself a “recovering perfectionist”. I try to stay clear of the myth of what “having it all in perfect balance” entails. All is a broad definition, and balance, as I said, does not work for me.
In the future, perhaps the reminder that perfection is only “working on something” can help me even more. It does not mean being done with it. So maybe I can go back to being perfect after all. I like working and improving things.
A side note on artistic gymnastics
I find that artistic gymnastics scores are a great way of thinking through this concept:
- Over time, you raise your difficulty level by adding more difficult elements (starting from 0)
- Each time, your execution deducts all errors (starting from 10)
What is the connection? The final result is a sum of the difficult tasks you choose to take on and how well you perform them. That means that you know that by doing more difficult things, you are expected to get a lower score on execution. Sometimes, that is worth the risk; other times it is not. The goal is not always to raise the difficulty level (aka to take on more challenges). Only once you have mastered a level and raised your execution as close as feasible to a 10 are you meant to add more difficult elements.
I find that this can be a good reminder of how we focus on the different elements of our lives and how we best accept the flow from balancing execution and difficulty. When we take on more complexity, perfection becomes less realistic.
From guilt to presence
The panel was filled with difficult questions. The final philosophical one was on guilt and boundaries. Being a recovering perfectionist does not mean I feel less guilt. It just means I am more familiar with the way guilt talks to me, to the way it invades my mind and my thoughts. It means I am sensitive to when I use the word “should” and when I am second-guessing between alternatives.
I try to make my choices bold and early, leaving room for flexibility if things change, but not wasting energy in the process. I try to move on from mistakes as soon as I realise they are dwelling on my mind hand-in-hand with guilt. I try to talk back, literally out loud, if I feel like it is consuming me too much.
Yes, I talk to guilt. In the past, I think I even gave it a name, on the advice of my therapist. I must remember what that was.
My co-speaker claimed guilt was but a thought. Well, if that is all that is, it is a pretty strong one and not one I have mastered yet. Instead, I try to bring the best of myself and work on my focus and presence in each moment, steering clear of the clouds that guilt insists on bringing over.
I know these panels are meant to be inspirational. I prefer to keep them authentic and relatable. After all, I would be doing everyone there a disservice if I claimed that balance is real, we can have it all, and we can be imperfect without guilt. Even writing the sentence makes me laugh.
By bringing light to these myths, we can release the pressure of chasing a perfect work-life balance and allow more flow into our lives.