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It’s hard to see our kids “fail”. It’s hard to see your national team fall. It’s hard to fall. However, when I see weakness, I often see strength. Because with falls comes the opportunity to stand up and try again. In whatever shape or form that may be. Weakness is often the beginning of strength. At least in my playbook.
Over the years I’ve realised that weakness usually brings three gifts: emotion, reflection and change. None feel pleasant in the moment, but all create the opportunity to grow.
Weakness brings emotions
The first reaction can be sadness, angst, frustration or all of the above. It is believed to be part of the process of grief. Failing at something important isn’t something to ignore. In fact, it is better not to be ignored. For me, it’s a form of grief. It’s ok to be sad, to feel at a loss, to wonder what comes next. To imagine that the world is lost and there is no hope. That is but a temporary state, I find. Especially if we are willing to confront these emotions.
As my daughter left the national championships recently after a less than optimal performance, I knew she needed to come to terms with it. First and foremost, I validated her sadness and her frustration. I did not try to sugarcoat where she went wrong. I only stopped her when she saw it all as a negative, when in fact, it was only one of her 4 apparatus that had gone terribly. All else was good, just not awesome as she had expected. I provided her with the realism and gave her space to moan and cry, but not to put it out of proportion.
It’s a hard balance to let people grieve whilst also not letting them drown in sorrow. But it is part of the process of competing. It is part of the process of life. It does not always go your way. You don’t always do well for yourself. These hard emotions can be hard to watch as a parent, or as a close friend. But after all, living through them will provide perspective as no book or teacher could ever do.
Weakness brings reflection
This is when it gets interesting. A moment of weakness can be an excellent opportunity to reflect. That is what truly creates the opportunity. And the chance to not let it happen again, well, at least not in the same exact way. As we come out of many World Cup disappointments, it is timely to talk about this, as it is easy to stay in frustration mode.
In fact, what is most important is to move to reflection mode. Allow ourselves the opportunity to recognise that perhaps our team did not do as well as they could have done. I am not talking about being a coach from the stands. I am more focused on the ability to look inward and recognise what could have been done differently.
For the Portuguese National team, the coach has been a big one for a long time, and that is the easiest one to put blame on. But the attitude of players that no longer need the national team to become stars can’t be ignored. The attitude of the population that made every game about Ronaldo being brilliant or a beast. The divide that was created, the anger that was exuded. It was all a bit too much. And we were all a bit to blame. And I am not even going into the English team this week; my other big hope is also gone.
Weakness brings change
Just like a start-up pivots when things don’t live up to expectations, many of us would benefit from just that. Whether I am talking to my daughter about her gymnastics, my clients about missing a key milestone or myself about not getting on track with my health, the reality is, keep doing the same isn’t a rational response. We hear much about consistency, and I am absolutely a big fan. But with consistency and transparency of results, we need to be able to reflect and find out where we need to adapt.
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”
We now know Einstein never said this, as multiple quote cards and memes want to make us believe. But it is still a relevant thought to reflect on. And yes, scientists repeat results multiple times in a lab to prove a point that a result holds, but that has a specific reason. Musicians and athletes repeat the same movements and exercises countless times, but arguably, they expect a different, better, improved result each time. And they marginally adjust with each performance and each practice.
In the world of start-ups, I admit that I sometimes find founders are one bit too quick to pivot. A bit too little attached to the original concept and too much attached to the metrics that allow VCs to throw money in. However, there is true value in learning from what you do and changing to achieve your goals in more effective ways. Pivoting comes from identified rational weaknesses.
Weakness is real
From the beginning of this blog, I have never tried to hide weakness. In fact, that was a distinguishing factor I always knew I wanted to maintain. Weakness is real, and it happens to everyone. As I write this, I’ve struggled to keep up with my own routines of focus work, writing and recording podcasts in the last couple of weeks. It is unusual and mostly related to some physical weakness I feel lately. I don’t pretend like it’s not happening. I use it as information and reflect on what is happening. And, as needed, I change my habits, my ways of working, even my expectations if that need be.
I don’t hide it from my kids either. As I am in this full new-age holiday of mixing work and vacation for 4-8 weeks, I inevitably struggle. Especially in the first few weeks, as I need to re-adapt routines and my body gets mixed signals of rest vs. work. Some days we hang out and do LEGO. Other days I open my laptop while we watch the football. I talk them through it and explain how I am trying to adapt. How I am trying to make our holidays work without needing a retreat by the end of August. Reality (with empathy) is often the best lesson we can bring to our kids. And usually, it comes from small moments of weakness.
Weakness will always visit us. Sometimes through our children. Sometimes through our work. Sometimes through our own bodies. A life without struggle is not a life well-lived. But if we allow ourselves to feel the weakness, reflect on it and adapt, slowly and steadily, it becomes strength.