Time to focus

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have been going through a fair amount of self-discovery about what I truly value. About how I can focus on what is important and remove the noise. To perhaps practice what I preach. And this week, that has all been put to the test, without me having a real chance to work through. Status quo is no longer an option.

When you know

There is a moment in life you know things are not ok. It has been in the making. And since I did not hear it, the body showed – constant illness, chronic pain, you name it. The body explained what the mind could not make heard. As a hyper self-aware person I know it means something. I even know what it means – enough is enough. I go to Hubby B and ask for a hug in a moment of overwhelm. I tell him there is too much I value and it just can’t go on. I read the book Four Thousand Weeks telling me we just have too many important things in our lives. And a loving mentor gives me a book called the Essentialist. She does not even buy books for herself but bought this one for me to make sure I read it most likely. I try to get back on the wheel, but the wheel is not where I thrive, it is merely where I survive.

‘If you don’t prioritise your life, someone else will’

Essentialism

What does it take

I am just where I want to be and I wonder what it will take for me to get out from this place. It all looks so perfect. I have no regrets, I say. But I also have no prospects. I feel like I can’t move and yet again I am back to the water well I was in a year ago. In what was one of the worst therapy sessions of my life, I visualised exactly how it felt. Swimming not to drown, walls closing around me. From all I write, all I achieved, all I read, all I KNOW, it makes no sense at all. I have choices. And yet I don’t make them? I always promised I did not need a heart attack at 40 to remind me of what was important. That I would always focus on what I value the most. That I would prioritize and self-care. And yet all is done as a process that seems to constantly keep me in the same place despite the unquestionable progress I can assess from the outside. What does it take to really prioritize your life?

‘Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world

Or do you need more?

Is there something else you searching for?

I’m falling

In all the good times I find myself longing for change

And in the bad times I fear myself

Tell me something boy, aren’t you tired trying to fill that void

Or do you need more?

Ain’t it hard keeping it so hard core

In all the good times I find myself longing for change

And in the bad times I fear myself’

Am I losing it?

2 sides of a coin, I could be losing it or finally winning. As I sit on the plane writing through what are very scrambled thoughts in my head, this music plays. Whilst I always love it, I let it sink. I connect. And it is all in there. I am not searching for anything I say, but no doubt I act like I am. I do not need more and yet I act like I do. Catia says no matter how many books I read and write about, only when I truly emotionally connect to it can I really slowly start incorporating that change in my life. She says I intellectualise it but do I really live it? Am I a fraud, did I preach all this without actually doing it? No, I shared on the basis I was on a path, and I thought I was making progress. And today I feel like I have to double down and rather than look for more, look for less. It will be a win in the end. Life has indeed only a span of four thousand weeks, and no week is to be wasted overwhelmed on busyness.

The need to focus

It is time to focus. That time has been in the making no doubt. But as the most important pillars that have defined me for 20 years are shaken, this is the time to find out what are foundation walls, what are temporary walls and what is decoration. I don’t expect the process to be easy or smooth. But I expect yet again to come out stronger on the other side. And to continue to make space for growth, rather than jamming space for growth. Focus is the ability to put more energy in what you truly love.

Fearless

I go back to my word of the year. Fearless. I started on the right foot. I faced my fears rather than thinking I had none. But that was just the beginning as I dipped my toes into this new world. It is time I face a few more. What am I if I am not doing all the things I am doing. What am I if I don’t say yes to everything? I have been avoiding this fear I am not going to lie. But it can’t be avoided. As the plane starts landing, my fellow seat companion worries if it is going too fast. I assure him it is ok but I know it is too early too land. I brace for what is to come. With fear but ready to be fearless step-by-step. Trusting the process.

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