Not enough

Not enough. Not enough. The two words in my head in the last few days. I don’t want to say them. I don’t want to feel them. But I close my eyes and I see them in neon lights. I open my eyes and I hear them in my chest. Not enough.

Not enough time

It used to be about time, or at least that’s what I thought. I never had enough time so, over the years, I had to learn to deal with it. Assess what it is important, prioritise and focus. With the help of the BuJo way back when, my life was more intentional. And needless to say, more intense. The wheel was spinning faster and I was spinning ever more plates while riding on a wheel that looked only to get smaller and tighter.

But it is not time. I know now. Whilst time can often be the enemy, it is the case if we fight it. I remind myself I want to be with time, not against it.

Not enough done

The ultimate cliche. So many things to get done and time (again) just reminds you that they are not getting done. They can’t get done. In fact, many will be best left behind I say, in a pragmatic tone. But so many need doing… It is is not a new feeling. And so many want doing. My expectations are higher by the day. Explore.

May has always been filled with a long to-do list and different methods of checks and highlighter pens to get me through. Why would this one be different? But I thought it would be different. I remind myself it is only the time of year, nothing new to see. I remind myself of how many different things I have done this year, this month, this week!

But the list still does not get smaller! I take a deep breath and remember the priorities. Am I moving through them?

Not enough focus

Arguably, many would claim this is my biggest challenge (euphemism for problem). That there is too much I am trying to achieve, that I have too many priorities and at the moment they just collide. When vectors go in different directions they just loose force. And I wonder, will they ever not collide?

I take a step back and think of my Venn Diagram. I don’t see all the pieces so well. I ended up not hanging it on the wall. Not enough time? Not enough space?

I blink to refocus. The intersections of the diagram remind me this all makes sense. Or it will. Maybe not to the naked eye but I see it. It’s hard to focus – the forest is hiding behind the trees.

Not enough connection

I struggle to connect sometimes. Well, many times! It is not often or easily that I find an environment where I have no guards and I’m with the person across from me. Or that I don’t feel the need to explain my actions or justify my choices. One could debate if I spend enough time with friends. The answer is I don’t. Life gets in the way, that’s our excuse. But again I wonder – how often am I willing to feel connected and vulnerable here? I spent the last few years in a quest of authenticity in so many relationships and, no matter what, it is hard not to feel judged even when I’m not, it’s hard not to overthink when even when there’s nothing to think about. Was I enough? Was I too much?

Not enough thought

Let’s be clear. I am always thinking and feeling and thinking and feeling. But thoughts and feeling race through me at fast speed. They take twists and turns and I often struggle to go deep. The moment something starts making a connection in my brain, I get to action very quickly.

I am reading a book on OKRs and by page 25 I am redesigning OKRs for the charity. With 80% of the book to go. Stop. I am reading a book on how to think again and I start taking frantic notes and thinking of what a great course this would make. Either 50% of the book to go. Wait, start again. And whilst action is part of me, I can’t help but feel dissatisfied. I haven’t given it enough thought. Enough ability to imagine. To dream. To explore.

Not enough feeling

Feeling is hard! Be it good or bad, true feeling and staying in it is not something me (or we I dare say), do that often. Feeling brings memories, creates worries, makes us sit in discomfort. ‘Bad feelings’ like sadness or anger make us react and try to wipe them out quickly. ‘Good feelings’ can’t be bad as well right? Off course they are great, but how long do they last? The reality is the human brain is not wired for it, we quickly move to doomsday scenarios or to trying yet another thing.

Feelings are complicated. Catia always throws me into silence when I try and fill our conversations with a rational why and how. I love a good action plan and she doesn’t let me make any. She pushes me to sit in discomfort. That’s probably why I haven’t spoken to her in months, and probably why I will.

Not enough me

Amongst all the noise, I struggle not to loose myself. I look around and I know much of the noise is playing in my head and in my head alone. Let’s face it, being with the kids more often than ever is sometimes counterproductive. For them, there is rarely enough. And no matter what I do, there is bound to be someone complaining. I remind myself they are kids, not reality. I know, they are real, but their feelings can get easily overstates in my mind. I remind myself they can’t hear the voices I have in my head saying I am not enough. I am sure (well kind of) that if I were to sit them down for a rational conversation (noting they are 7 and 11) they would probably agree that enough is enough. Or at least so I hope.

I decide to sleep. At least I am getting enough sleep. I know that is the first step to feel like the rest is also enough. Enough doing. Enough dreaming. Enough connecting. Enough thinking. Enough feeling. Enough parenting. Enough being. Enough me.